Saturday

How to cure your HIV in one ineffective step

I just thought I'd expand a little about the "Lime and Garlic" guy from the ending of my last post. There's probably not going to be any drawings with this one but I might come back and add something just for kicks.

About three or so years ago, I worked as a cashier at an organic health food store. The clientele were the most pretentious, self absorbed mouth breathers to ever buy groceries from you. You know people actually think they're better than you because they eat organic apples instead of normal ones, and people think they're better than those people, because they eat local organic applies instead of regular organic ones? It boggles my mind. I've never been more lectured on why organically grown, hand sorted wild brown rice was better for my body than regular wild rice.

But the guy that really stuck with me was Lime and Garlic guy. This semi-dirty looking fellow with tattered clothing comes through my till, and nothing seems odd about him, the store panders to the hippy crowd, after all. He's buying approximately 15 cloves of garlic and six bags of limes. We make the usual small talk about the weather or local sports teams or some shit, and then he drops this gem of a bomb on me

"I got HIV from a toilet seat."

I have NO idea what to say, I'm completely speechless. I think I stuttered out something like "That... doesn't happen." Which is probably argumentative in customer service, but the guy just told me he got HIV from sitting on the can! What was I supposed to say? So he tells me "Well, I was just in jail a couple weeks ago, and I had some abrasions on my ass." Abrasions. On his ass. In Jail. Leaving the soap on a rope scenario aside, his anus touched the toilet seat and another anus.... or.... how do bodily fluids mix on a toilet seat? I'm trying to logic it out somehow. And then while trying to figure out that logic, I realize he was only in jail a couple WEEKS ago. How long does it take for one to suspect HIV, get tested, and come back as positive? Months. Many months.

But then he tells me he CURED his HIV. He followed a strict diet for two solid weeks of nothing but limes and garlic organic, locally grown limes and garlic, and his HIV cleared right up!

He stood there for about ten extra minutes elaborating on his jail time, the garlic and lime diet, the hiv, and then paid me with a sack of dimes, nickels, and pennies.

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