Wednesday

my illogical aversion to gifts.

Most of my long time friends have known for a while that I have this rather intense awkwardness about receiving gifts of any kind. It doesn't matter what the occasion is; my birthday, Christmas, getting out on parole... It comes time to make with the presents and I proceed to flip my shit.

Every holiday, I tell my friends to keep it simple. I want a card. Or they can make me something. Keep it simple and obligation free.

The problem I have with gifts is the social obligation that revolves around them. For Christmas, you can either feel like a dick for not deeming somebody important enough to buy for when they just went and bought you something, or vice versa. There's also the monetary issue that if you have a lot of friends, there's no way you can buy quality gifts for all of them and make rent. You cut corners and to some, will come off as a cheapskate. But then you'll tell me that "maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store", and that handmade gifts are cool. And I agree. I tried that route, and burned myself out before getting even a quarter into my list. And again, you feel like an asshole.







For birthdays, it's no different. Your friend buys, or makes, you something super sweet and you gotta one up them when their birthday comes around. Or, they forget about you on your birthday, and then theirs comes around. Do you still do something awesome? Or do you do nothing because they did nothing, and then they either feel like a dick, or become an asshole about it.

I really just tend to want to avoid any sort of responsibility that comes with presents. I'm not sure if it was my upbringing, or what, but for whatever reason, when people give me something, I think "Shit, I can't accept this. They could've spent this money on themselves." or "Fuck, I didn't get you anything. Because I don't like you/don't know you/I can barely pay my rent." or "Wow, you clearly don't know ANYTHING about me."

But my favourite ones are the "awkward relationship" gifts. You know what I'm talking about. The strained friendship, the former lover, the ex, or the creepy weirdo that won't stop crushing on you, somebody that makes you feel super uncomfortable decides you are super important and must be gifted. They ask what you want, and you want to say "for you to set yourself on fire.", but politely say "nothing", because you do NOT want this person buying you things. You can already feel the awkwardness rising. They keep asking, and you keep telling them "No, really, don't get me anything, please." And then one day, your doorbell rings. It's your awkward, weird friend, holding a very, very large, and very heavy box. He hands it to you, then leaves, and you don't know what to do with it.



So you put it somewhere to deal with later. You didn't want the gift. And you know once you open it, you'll feel like a big jerk, and want to do something nice for them to show your gratitude. But you're not grateful. Your ass just got gift-raped. No means no and you said no. Your creepy awkward friend just raped you. With a mystery gift. Merry Christmas, motherfucker.

1 comment:

Crazy Newt said...

You get points for coming up with the term "Gift Rape". I'm sure that, within the next few years, everyone's going to be using it.

Sign of the apocalypse? Probably.