Saturday

Eight legs and a bitch aint one

Like 99% of people in the female variety, I have an intense arachnophobia. I'm okay when they're outside, in their webs, minding their own business. I can go to my happy place of blissful ignorance.


But I am not okay at all with them being on my person, or being in my bathroom, and I am DEFINITELY not okay with them being even remotely close to my sleeping quarters. I will not ever sleep in the same bed as a spider. I have STANDARDS.

My entire day can be ruined in an instant by an encounter with a spider in my house.


There's something to be said about going into your bathroom at 3 AM, and seeing a HUGE spider in the corner, but what's even worse is when you come back at 6 AM to shower, and it's not there anymore, and you have no idea where it is.


Is it ...is it IN the shower?


Is it going to jump on your face? Or is is just going to watch?








I'm in the pacific northwest part of Canada, and we're lucky to have some pretty special types of spiders. We have the lovely brown recluse, the gentle hobo, and the ever so timid black widow. But our most prevalent local indoor spider is what's commonly, yet incorrectly, referred to as a Wolf Spider. Wolf spiders are something completely different, and live outdoors. What we actually have around here goes by a MUCH WORSE NAME, of Giant House Spider.

That's right. These fuckers are so incredibly large that they are officially called "Giant". Tegenaria Gigantea up until 1995, bitches.


There's no trickery here. They really do get that big, or bigger. These things look horrendous as fuck, and naturally get a bad rap. My coworkers, both past and present, have always talked about seeing this "Wolf Spider" that was "TOTALLY going to attack!!!"


In reality, they're kind of like kittens. Big, horrible, ugly, scary, eight legged kittens.

Probably less likely to torture their food before they eat it, though.


Point is, they're harmless. And I KNOW that. But I'm still a girl.

I was washing the floor of my kitchen, and one of these things raced across the floor. I panicked, and I knocked over a bottle of Mr. Clean.


My blood ran cold, but I grabbed a wine glass so I could trap it and throw it outside (which is basically killing it, but anyway). I grab this wine glass, and trap the spider just as it runs into the puddle of Mr. Clean. It curls up into itself in a little ball, resembling a wad of brown threads.






I felt bad, because I was trying to capture it, not kill it, so I lift the glass. Turns out it was NOT dead, because it immediately sprung back to life upon sensing its chance for freedom. I panic again, and react by smashing it with the bass of the wine glass.




Not only do I MISS, but the whole glass shatters in my hands.

The spider escaped.

I think it got super powers or something from the Mr. Clean and attacked a major city in Japan.

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